Is it Okay for a Leader to be Friendly, but not Social?

Personality plays out in leadership roles in different ways. I was wondering recently if it is okay for a leader to be friendly, but not social.

I’m curious about your thoughts on this. Which way do you lean on this question?

By “friendly, but not social” I mean that the leader is open, welcoming, supportive, positive, and encouraging, but not outgoing. This person is probably good to work with, but wouldn’t usually be interested in going out for a beer. They may not reach out just to chat. “Watercooler” conversations (virtual or face to face) are polite, interesting, but not deep or energetic.

A colleague, and not a buddy.

It strikes me that a lot of technical leaders are like this: They want people to succeed, but see work as work and aren’t out to make it fun for the sake of fun.

Contrast this with a more cheerleading style of leadership behavior. Those folks are the ones trying to bubble up ideas and get everyone together for the pure fun (for them) of just being together and laughing and enjoying life. That can turn off both the introverts and results-focused people on their teams.

When we ask if it’s okay to just be friendly and not social, most people answer from their own personal points of view. They go with what’s comfortable for them.

The research is pretty clear: People who have extroverted personalities have an easier time getting engagement and buy-in, important aspects of leadership.

But at the same time, the real differentiator of leadership effectiveness is the ability to be versatile–to flex and use the style of behavior that gives others what they need from the leader. Intentional versatility in leadership behavior accounts for more than personality.

I look at friendliness as a baseline for effectiveness. Specific situations may demand more social connection and supportive, connecting behaviors. At the same time, there are plenty of examples where an effective leader does not need to be the employee’s friend.

But almost universally, in order to “make Monday mornings not suck,” as Eric Harkins puts it, you can’t have jerks in leadership roles.

That’s where you have to maintain at least a baseline of “friendly.” (In my opinion.)

Takeaway: If you are more on the introverted side and “friendly, but not social” describes you, you are okay. You can be a great leader. And if you are friendly and social, stay versatile! Be sure to match your energy to what your team needs so that you can be a great leader, as well!

What are your thoughts? Reach out and let me know what you think.

Happy to be friendly,
–Steve

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P.S. For team effectiveness, the leader needs to arrange meaningful opportunities for the group to work together on shared goals, facilitated for mutual success. Most “team building” activities are very artificial and don’t meet this standard. If you’d like to explore how to do this more effectively, let’s talk.